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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
I don`t have dirty mind ...I just hav a sexy imagination. ..
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi