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Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
With everything going on lately... I`ve got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!
Girls don`t dress for boys, they dress for themselves... If girls dressed for boys, they`d just walk around naked all the time.
I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.