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Science is just a numbery way to explain magic.
I`m going to hell in every religion!
My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
Does this couch Iām laying on make me look unmotivated?
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."