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DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
I hate it when Hippos fall on me when walking home from school... :D
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.