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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
Why be full of hate when you can be full of pizza?
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf´s a minute
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
when in Rome get naked ;)
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?