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I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
OK I`ve stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer- and another Facebook day begins!
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
I`m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house, but that fly is dead.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."