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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
I’m in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.