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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor’s WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I’m the victim here!!
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don`t have iPhone. 2) I don`t have a girlfriend.
What if the weather talks about us?
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
I may have let you down, but it`s your fault for having such high hopes.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.
I`m starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.