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Saw a post stating "taking it one day at a time," so I responded "me too. That`s how days work."
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
Guess what I saw today ... Everything I looked at. ;)
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.