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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I’m in no shape to exercise.
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
I need more people like me in my life
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.