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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I`d highly recommend Fight Club.
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)