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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
List of things I’ve accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
Running away does not help with the problems unless you are fat
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
How dare you incinerate that I don`t know big words.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box