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I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
Hi I’m a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sanity is so overrated. I mean, it`s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn`t want to live there....
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?