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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Yes I have a dirty mind ... And you`re on it!
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
All`s not lost my Friends. It won`t be long til people realize Selfie Sticks also make wonderful lightning rods......
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"
Won’t go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for “spider life span” reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.