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Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.