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“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
What`s the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? My wife wants to know.
I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...