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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
If things always went according to a plan…. life wouldn’t be interesting.
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
I´m not insensitive, I just don´t care.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
I hate when I`m admiring my good looks from a car`s window reflection and the people inside think I`m staring at them.
is wondering if the hokey pokey is really what it´s all about