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It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
I drink to make other people interesting.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."