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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
I`ve always wondered how the job application process at Hooters works. Do they give you a bra and orange shorts and say, "Here, can you fill these both out"?
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
Nice try salad bars, there`s only one kinda bar I plan on attending.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.