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I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
Does anyone know when is the cut-off date to stop wishing someone Happy New Years?
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
To all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
Ask.com is useless............they have no idea where I put my car keys either
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.