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My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
I gave up my Ego, because I am so much better than that..................
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
Thought of the day! Calling me a crazy bitch will only encourage me to prove you right...
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
I am as lazy as the guy who designed the Japanses Flag
So, at this point, should we really still be calling them New Kids on the Block?
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.