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The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect already.
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.