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Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I guess not everyone at this grocery store is as comfortable with my nudity as I am. ;)
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
It`s a lot easier to chuck a co-worker in the dumpster than it is to listen to his problems.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.
Went to Walmart yesterday and bought me a new toilet brush, I think I am gonna go back to using paper, it is much more gentle on the netherlands........
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.