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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Either I need to up my dosage or my income.
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
It’s been “one of those days” for like 3 years now.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.