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I’m single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it? Asking for a friend
If you watch Intervention backwards, it`s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
I`ve noticed that the squirrels are gathering nuts for the winter. Couple of my friends are missing...
Why do ballerinas always stand in their toes? Why don`t they get taller dancers?
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.