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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.