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Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
I don’t understand decaf coffee. It’s like sex without the sex.
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.
Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it`s your own fault."