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Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
I’m so broke this New Years Im gonna party like its $19.99.
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
your status deserves a standing ovation but I`m lazy I`ll just click `like`
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
I`ve given up on giving up.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.