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Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
Ironically the only way I`d watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.