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My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
If you are naughty go to your room, if you wanna be naughty go to mine :)
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Of course I`m a good mother ... They`re still alive aren`t they.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
I SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild...
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.