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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.