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WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
List of the most populated places in the world - 1. China 2. India 3. Friend Zone 4. United States 5. Indonesia
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
If a man says something in the woods.. And there are no women there.. Is he still wrong? O_o
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
OMG guys!! im so happy!! the doctors just gave me a jacket so im always hugging myself!!
Peeing in the sink is a great time saver: no lifting the seat, no flush, sink is right there to wash hands jk I don`t wash my hands.
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
So many fun things to say ... too many relatives on Facebook to post!