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The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
I hate it when people beg for likes, like if you agree?
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
"Everybody freeze!" -December
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
So many Jehovah`s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah`s Evidence.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
You can get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?