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Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn`t stop coloring till 2 o`clock this morning.
If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
Those days where you don`t take anyone`s sh!t ... Yeah, today is one of those days.
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!