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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
Take me seriously at your own risk.
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
Serving size ?? LMAO
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
I`ve decided to start taking more supplements: calcium pills for my bones, ginkgo pills for my memory, milk thistle for my liver, ginkgo pills for my memory...
I could spend my day outside, but I`m sure there`s plenty of porn that needs to be rated.
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"