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Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
I watch so many crime shows on Tv, that when I turn off the Tv set, I wipe my fingerprints 0ff the remote.
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
"Okay" means you`re in the clear. "K" means you`re better off not coming home. Fellas, you know what I`m talking about.
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
Ever wanna tell someone to shut the f*ck up even when they are not speaking
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
The difference between me & normal people is the normal
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.