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The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
I may or may not have just "Whipped my Hair Back and Forth".......
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.