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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.
If you love something,, let it go..... That`s EXACTLY what I`ve done with my body....
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver