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Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
Hey, did you know that in two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!
Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook