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When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
yo fellas how did that "wow" comment you left on that girls facebook picture play out
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
As a child, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.