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My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
!that embarrasing moment when you fake a call then a real one comes...!lol.
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.