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I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
Mondays should start at noon.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
No one ever reads the rules of Monopoly unless an argument breaks out.
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it`s because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;)