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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
It`s a beautiful day. I think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.