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Which wine goes best with more wine?
Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
Currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
I really need a day inbetween Saturday an Sunday
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
My problem is that all food is comfort food
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me