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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention’ as their Facebook status.
I don`t mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they`d use the part behind me.
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
So I was thinking... since the kids get the Easter bunny, why shouldn`t I expect a visit from a Playboy bunny today?
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?