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When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate, it is not me. I believe I`ve been hacked.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
I`m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work