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Does anyone know where the off switch on a child is? I can’t seem to find it.
"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
Delete cookies? Why on Earth would I want to do that?! I LOVE COOKIES
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
Love is... saving money to buy her shoes!
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
Had a great time watching the family oriented PG rated Shrek with my grandson last night... until he asked why a Donkey would have sex with a Dragon.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut
The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.