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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
I will always love you, even if I have to from no closer than 300 feet.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
That must have been a heck of a party judging by the police reports.
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
Ive been invited to farmville! Now what to wear...
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake