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It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!