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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
It`s a beautiful day, think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I`ve only missed one day.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?
Home is where the pants aren’t.