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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
Just hung a picture. I nailed it.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
I`m tough and can take whatever life throws at me ... Especially if its dipped in chocolate first.
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
I`m so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn`t think it would go THIS far..... sorry
Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.