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If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
this is a status you spent your time reading: sj
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
i used to like you but thanks to facebook i now know how boring u are
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
If it doesn’t involve food or sleep, I’m probably not interested.
Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?
My butt decided to go big instead of go home.