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Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
Meanwhile on Facebook, someone has made a casserole...
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
As an adult, Iām not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
My wife thinks Iām at work. My boss thinks Iām home sick. These ducks think Iām awesome because I have the bread.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Seems like I can`t go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.