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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
I have one question about Insanity, "Are we there yet"?
Please do not read this.
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
I am surprised Cheech and Chong have not filmed a new movie -"Cheech and Chong Smoke Colorado"
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
Since light travels faster than sound, isn`t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.