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By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
I`m one more bottle of wine away from starting a blog.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
Know what this salad needs? A Big Mac.
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.