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I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
I`m not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I`m pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn´t surprising really, since it isn´t my birthday.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
You know, rumor has it that the Mona Lisa may have been the first selfie.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.