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You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I just awesomed all over the place.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.