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Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
A Lion would never cheat on his wife.. but a Tiger wood.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
The worst thing about rich people is I`m not one of them.
It`s Sunday or as I like to call it, "No pants day".
My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting sh!tfaced.
I am who I am, your approval is not needed.
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.