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When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
If you people knew how expensive, time consuming and hard this stalking stuff is you wouldn`t freak out every time you see me in your bushes.....geesh
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.