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I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I`m so confused