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I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.