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In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
Remember when the world ended last year?
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook