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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
Vodka is just amazing water.
Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
So many fun things to say … too many relatives on Facebook to post!
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed