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What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.