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I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
I’m on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.
Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?