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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
Between Criminal Minds, CSI, Law and Order, Castle, and Monk...I am now fairly confident I can get away with pretty much anything.
Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", has obviously never been to a nude beach
There`s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.