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Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
Why I stay slim? I once was forced to pay for two plane tickets, one for a person who wasn`t travelling with me. That`s why.
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
u cant spell awesome without me
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That`s it. No more reading!
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”