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One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
I have Beer.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out