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I’m single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
When I want to trim down my friend`s Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I`m going to hell in every religion!
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?